How to Avoid Becoming a Crack Whore

I find myself in an interesting situation this morning. Wife is taking her Jazzercise test and audition today in Newark. I figured, "Hey I have to study. They must have a Starbucks and internet somehwere in Newark right? I'll just go with her to support her." So I find myself sitting at a Starbucks feeling like a kindergardner abandoned by their mother on the first day of school. I can't sit at the place where she's auditioning so she dropped me off at a Starbucks and went to her audtion.

The things we do for our friends. Last night she was freaking out (understandably so) about her task today. She asked me, "Why am I doing this again?"

Of course the first thing out of my mouth is, "To keep me from becoming a crack whore." Wife just kind of looked at me and then started laughing. Why? Because she already knew where I was going with my train of thought (this is the joy of having a wife who knows you that well.) Now my question to you is...would you know why I would answer the way I did?

Here is my train of logic: "So, the reason why you're becoming a Jazzercise instructor is because I'm in school. Since I'm so busy you need to do something also. AND since I'm a student I'm broke, so you need to supplement 'our' income. If you didn't do this then you'd be bored and have to much free time. If you had free time then you'd be calling me to go out. If you called then I'd want to go out. If I went out then I'd not study. If I didn't study then I'd fail out of CAL. If I fail out of CAL then I'd get kicked out of my parents house and have no degree and no place to live. If I didn't have that then I'd get depressed and not find a job. If I didn't have a job and no place to live and was depressed then I'd have to start smoking crack. If I started smoking crack I'd run out of money and wouldn't be able to keep a real job so I'd have to become a whore. So in the long run I'd become a crack whore. So really, you're becoming a Jazzercise instructor so I don't become a crack whore."

By this time Wife was almost tearing up from laughing. Not only did she know the train of logic she agreed, obviously, yes, she was becoming a Jazzercise instructor to keep me from becoming a crack whore.

One of her trainers told her that she needed to figure out something to think about while audtioning that would make her smile. What is she going to be thinking about when she gets nervous? "I can't fail. Otherwise E will become a crack whore. And she doesn't want to do that because she wouldn't be a very good one. So really she'd just be a whore because she wouldn't be making enough money to buy crack. And I don't want her to be a bad whore." I mean let's be honest, nothing worse in the world than a bad whore right. I mean seriously, what's more pathetic than a person that can't even make it as a crack whore.

So some people asked me why in the world would I sit in Newark at a Starbucks for four hours just to support my friend. My answer is because she's becoming a Jazzercise instructor so I don't become a crack whore, this is the least I can do right?