Cult Life

rocrastinating NO FUN!!

I am now taking suggestions for a hobby. I've tried the following:

Underwater Basket Weaving: I tried underwater basket weaving but realized that smoking may not be condusive to helping you to hold your breath long enough to weave. I tried for a like a day and then gave up when I realized I had spent 10 hours only weaving two pieces of grass together

Urban Pinja: I dressed up in my Pinja outfit and went out trying to wench, pillage and kill people with my stuffed parrot but my wooden leg made it hard to chase down wenches and the pillaging gave me splinters, and my damn stuffed parrot was really old and dusty and gave me an alergy attack. Oh yeah, and the police didn't really like me running around Albany hobbling around on a wooden leg so they made me go home and change.

Cult Leader: I thought maybe being a cult leader would be a great hobby. If you get really good at it then your cult leadership can eventually lead to a good paying job just look at the Pope, Reverend Moon, and the Dalai Lama. The only problem was that you have to be charismatic or something and I guess my version of charisma (ie beating people) doesn't really work when trying to form a cult. And then there was the whole thing where you need to have something to preach about and you have to like people. I thought maybe preaching about how stupid people are would be good, but then everyone in my cult thought I was calling them stupid and left. Oh..yeah and I kept trying to make them drink koolaid and tried to kill them and that just makes you cult to small and high maintenance because you have to keep replacing all the dead members.

Art: I thought maybe of trying to become artistic but then realized that's actually TOTALLY different than autistic so my drawings kind of sucked. Oh yeah and then the bus driver on AC transit got pissed and kicked me off the bus when i tried to get the handicap discount for being autistic and then showed him my sucky ass drawing of an apple.

Music: I tried singing but my damn dog kept howling and my mom and dad kept telling me to stop because they had some weird headache that formed everytime I started singing weird coincidence. I then tried to learn how to play the drums but realized after I kept flinging my drum sticks that drums are dangerous especially after I hit my mom in the head with one. She banned me and sent me to bed without soup or rice. I thought maybe the piano but then realized that you have to actually have a piano and playing the laptop isn't really the same thing.

Yeah. So I'm kind of out of ideas. So if anyone has any ideas I'm open to suggestions. Just some prerequisites though:

1) The Albany cops have put a restraining order against me dressing in "strange" costumes (whatever that means) oh and going out in public unescorted in general in public. Maybe they said I can't leave my house. That would explain this damn ankle bracelet. I kept telling them that I didn't really wear accessories but they insisted on it. Dude it's really kind of a fashion no no but I guess if the cops say it's fashionable who am I to question right?

2) Nothing exercise related, or physically exerting (exerting means anything that involves more energy than say lifting a spoon [an empty spoon]), I'm kind of a delicate flower and that just doesn't fit my steez. Yeah I have a steez, what? I don't know what it is but exercise doesn't fit it whatever it is.

3) It can't involve people or people related things. Again with the cops. They said something about public endangerment and high risk factor to public safety or something. I don't know. Anywho they said that I can't really be directly involved with the public in any capacity until I go see some shrink person about some anti-social homicidal condition I have. Whatev. They said I might get pills or something and that I wouldn't need a hobby then because I'd be happy all the time no matter what. Weird, i wonder what kind of pills those are?

Yeah, so other than that I'm totally open to suggestions. Go at it gang!

Spam Life

Ahhh... the joys of a spam filter. I always wonder how people get your email address and then figure out what type of person you are.

This is my life according to my junk mail:

I am a very lonely male that has a very small penis, I also have premature ejaculation problems. However, I can fix this all with a slew of pills. But that is not all that I need. In order for me to get a girl I also need a rolex, or a fauxlex because chicks dig dudes with permanently hard penises and nice watches. How you ask am I going to fund all of this? Simple, I'm going to give my bank account number to a secret administrator of a country in South Africa who found my name through a friend and in exchange they will give me millions for hiding their money. Otherwise, if I don't want to do that I can make a ton of money stuffing envelopes.

I think all I need now is a sex change so I can have a penis, and then I'll start stufifng envelopes and helping to embezzle money from South Africa, and buy my fauxlex, and then I need to find that final missing piece to happiness. What is that you ask? Well obviously I need to get on that spam list for the hot girls named Candy and Misty that want to be my friends. Then, and only then will my life be complete.

I think I lead a much more interesting spam life than real life. Oh well. I guess the cybergrass is always a better simulation than real life?

Wub two wub

This ones for my wifey. Who says I'm not a romantic?

That feeling of butterflies in your stomach, the feeling of a roller coaster drop. The feeling that makes you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest. You know that feeling right? When you meet that special someone and you feel sweaty palmed and your words get mixed up in your head and come out wrong when it reached your mouth.

Ahh..yesh..wuv...twu wuv...twitterpation, crushes... I have the explanation for it all.

Gas!! People, people let's get realistic and break this down. What is this feeling we call wuv?

That feeling of butterflies in your stomach, the feeling of a roller coaster drop.
Yeah, this is also a sign of gas. When you eat something and it makes your innards all funky. I fully recommend farting and then seeing if you still have this feeling.

The feeling that makes you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest. You know that feeling right?
This may be early signs of a heart condition, heart attack or stroke. I fully recommend going to see a doctor about this. Usually when I feel this way it means that I've drank to many rockstars and my heart is telling me that the irregular heart beat hates me.

When you meet that special someone and you feel sweaty palmed and your words get mixed up in your head and come out wrong when it reached your mouth.
This is also usually a sign of food poisoning. The sweaty palms and confusion is a definite sign of food poisoning. It is usually followed by a mad dash to the restroom while you keep chanting to yourself "please say I wont poop in my pants, please god, please." Just remember if you have this feeling of sweaty palms and disorientation don't go back to that restaurant you just ate at, they probably gave you food poisoning.

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!

I've had the most frustrating day and am now venting via blogging. I think this is slightly more therapeutic than smashing the shit out of some poor inanimate object that has done nothing to deserve said smashing.

Damn undergraduate advisor!! You can't declare until you finish the prerequisite classes you are taking now. I know you can't sign up for classes next semester because you aren't a declared major but really its not my fault that you're not me. Fucking authoritative ass munch!!

I'm was so mad I couldn't see straight. It might have been because I was glaring at him so hard, but then again WTF? And that brought up the thought what the hell does it mean when people say they were so mad that they could spit. What the hell does getting angry and spitting have to do with it. Unless you mean spit on the person or thing that is pissing you off. I mean being so angry that you can't see straight makes sense to me because usually that means one of two things 1) I'm so drunk that I couldn't see straight anyways, or 2) I'm glaring so hard that I can't see straight because my eyes are so scrunched from glaring.

And also what the hell is it with all these stupid sayings that don't make any sense? Like I'm going to kick ass and take names. What the hell if you kick someone's ass you should at least know their name. And why does it not make sense when I say I'm going to kick your ass and take notes. I mean notes makes more sense in the long run right? Like after you come to from your ass kicking then I can tell how i kicked your ass. That makes more sense than taking your stupid name down.

And one in the hand is better than two in some basket or some shit? you know that saying or maybe you don't. IRRELEVANT! important point is that most of these sayings make no damn sense!

Another thing that pisses me off is pretty people. i've decided that pretty people should get punched in the face. In fact I think everyone should just get punched in the face. Also, bruises and anemia. Anemia really sucks. Right now my legs are so bruised up that I look like I've been getting the shit kicked out of me by a midget. Fucking midgets. Hate them to. They think they're all better than everyone else because they can buy little kids clothes and can dress up as oompa loompas for halloween. Damn midgets.

And finally sunshine. I've decided that the sun needs to kiss my ass. Especially after it's sunburnt. I want my damn rain and fog and mist. This sun shiney birds chirping bullshit needs to stop. People are to damn happy and smiley because of this sunshine shit. I demand no more sunshine.

That ends my list of things I hate today.

Hugs and kisses to all of my friends. Now that I've finished pounding on my keyboard I feel all zen and cathartic. Now I'm going to go find a puppy, baby chicken, kitten or baby to kick.

FINAL NOTE: I really REALLY REALLY hate the word cute and everything that is associated with cute. Damn fucking cute things and their cuteness, being cute and cute like. Unfuck cute, may it never get cute-ed? What the hell did I just type? Who cares. Just understand it damnit