Jebus lubs you

So on Wednesday I get a call while I'm at my internship...

[phone ringing]
Me: hey mom is everything okay? why are you calling.

Mom: Ebuhlee ting ok. What you do-eeing?

Me: I'm in class.

Mom: Where at?

Me: At school.

Mom: Oh. I at school to.

Me: What school?

Mom: Your school.

Me: [wtf?] Where on school?

Mom: At teluhglaph and bancropt.

Me: What are you doing at my school?

Mom: I'm with minister and church people showing minister tour of school. Did you eat lunch?

Me: Yeah mom I ate lunch.

Mom: Oh. I wanted to buy lunch. You have time to meet me? Show us alound?

Me: Um...I can meet you for a little bit. I'll be done with class at 3.

Mom: Okay. I call you then. You no want lunch? I buy you not soup.

Me: No mom not hungry.

Mom: Okay. If you have friends that are sick, or plofessors that want ask about god you bring them.

Me: [oh shit] Um... I don't have any sick friends and no teachers have asked about god.

Mom: Okay. But if you see sick friends or know people who want to ask about god bling them okay?

Me: [oh shit oh shit oh shit] Okay mom. Hey what are you doing on campus again?

Mom: We're teaching people about god.

Me: [AW FUCK!] Okay mom.

I go back to my internship. I get a call at 2:50, 2:55, 3:00. I answer it and tell moms that I'll meet her as soon as possible. I ask her where she is. She answers "Uh... where we at? oh, oh dwinelle." AW fuck!! Now some back ground. Dwinelle hall is where ALL if not most of my classes are, it is also where all of my professors have there offices. Dwinelle is also where a lot of students just hang out and chill. Dwinelle is also where there is a crazy taxi cab drive that likes to yell at people and blow whistles and yell about religious fanatics hangs out.

Scenarios Running Through My Head:
1. Mom is sitting with the minister and other church people not bothering anyone. (chances of this 0%)
2. The crazy man is yelling at mom and church people (75%)
3. Mom and crazy church people are trying to convert students (100%)
4. Mom and church people are getting arrested (10%)

After running these things through my head I decide I need to RUN to meet her and hope she's not getting arrested. The supervisor at my internship notices me frantically packing up my backpack and mumbling to myself.

Supervisor: What's up why are you in such a big rush.

Me: I think my mom might be getting arrested right now.

Supervisor: What?!

Me: Did I ever tell you that my parents are evangelist missionaries?

Supervisor: No.

Me: Well they are. And right now my mom is on campus trying to convert the heathens on campus. I'm hoping she's not getting arrested for bothering people.

Supervisor: Well... at least she's willing to stand up for what she believes in. I hope she's not getting arrested. Call me if you need a letter to get her out of jail.

Me: Thanks!

I run to meet my mom. When I see my mom I walk up to the following.

First of all my mom is wearing a blue plaid and checkered dress, (imagine if you will a homeless woman who is wearing a very nicely ironed dress, similar to that) my little oompa loompa of a mom is also wearing a bright red full face visor. What's a face visor you ask? Well, uhmm.. that ones a little harder to describe if you've never had the joy of seeing one. Basically imagine a visor that you would wear as a hat, now blow that up by 20, make it see through and then have it flip down in front of your face, I guess its sort of like what darth vader wore, except doesn't have the aerator. Yup, my mom's a definite fashionista. So, crazy lady ... I mean mom, is wearing a dress, face visor and sitting with a lady from her church and a minister from Korea.

We talked for a little bit and then I kept trying to run away. When mom asked me where I was going I told her to meet with a teacher, she asked if she could come along. Umm... yeah that's a definite negative mom. No offense but not really thinking that the professor wants to hear about jebus today. Finally I convince the crazy church people that I REALLY need to leave.

The final thing out of mom's mouth. "Okay.. you go, but first we play/pray for you." At this point I just give up. Who cares right? Fine let's hold hands, and bow our heads and pray. I'll just ignore the other students walking by wondering why the weird asian people are bowing their heads and mumbling, and why the hell is that lady dressed up like darth vader in drag? Oh oh oh yeah..... And having my classmates walk by trying not look at me (those classmates don't talk to me anymore in case you're wondering). So yeah. let's hold hands and play together.

*sigh* The only thing I can say at this point is. ... I love my mom.

Engrish Ressons. Sill-lah-bulls!!

So Moms is taking Engrish ressons to help her plonunciation.

She has a teacher that comes to our house every Monday at 2. After every lesson she gets a homework assignment.

Every Monday I sit with mom and do her homework. Uh... I mean "help" her with her homework. Let me tell you, that shit is hard!!

This weeks homework was to think up fruits/foods that had 1 syllable 2 syllable and up to 4 syllables in the word. 1-3 no problem. But seriously can any of you think of any 4 syllable words? The homework assignment gave us "asparagus" as an example. Once moms showed me her homework assignment we started rumaging through the kitchen cabinets looking at labels clapping our hands together and counting syllable. Yes, my house has turned into a visible looney bin. Dads helped. He started walking around the house and clapping his hands and looking at boxes and stuff. He didn't know why we were doing it but figured he'd help us with our insanity.

I think we found 2 words and then gave up. Although moms was very disappointed and told me I should look on the internets and find words.

The second portion of the homework assignment was to find countries of cities with 1-3 syllable names. Uh... wuh? 1 syllable is a bitch. I started googling and mapquesting trying to find cities. I figured out Chad. That's about it.

Moms got upset because she hadn't finished her homework and said I wasn't being supportive because I wasn't asking the internets for the answers to her homework. She also clarified to me that this was not considered "cheating" per say because she didn't really need to know the actual words, or come up with them on her own, she just needed to learn how to Plo-nown-see-ate duh wolds plop-uh-lee.

I think dads has decided to help moms out with her homework. She explained the concept of syllables to him so he's started walking around the house clapping while saying words. We had a little bit of an argument when we tried to explain that the words needed to be in Engrish and not in Korean, when my dad started telling us a bunch of fruit names in Koh-lee-an.

This whole learning enrigsh thing is starting to get to me I think. I've been finding myself clapping and counting syllables while in public (mostly talking to myself). I also am starting to plo-nun-see-ate like moms when I'm talking. Instead of her english accent getting better, my ENGRISH accent is getting more plo-nown-seh-duh.

*sigh* never going to win this battle. I wonder if I can get Moms' teacher to give her homework earlier so I don't have to do mom's homework and my homework on the same day.

My Fair Lady. The Lain in Splain Rains in Plains!!

So Moms has started taking Engrish classes on Mondays. Dad is slowly losing his mind. All day long all he hears is moms saying "AAAAAAA" ..."EEEEE".... "AEEEE"

Dad says he's lost his wife to AAAAAA EEEEEEE WOOOOODDDD FIIIIRREEE SAAALEEEE celll!!!

Trying to teach my mom the difference between f and v has been fun. Lucky for me I've taken linguistics so I'm using the linguistic method of language. What is that you ask? Well it's simple, you say a word, figure out where your tongue is and then figure out if air is coming out of your mouth. Yesterday I tried to show my mom the difference between f and v.

E: Mom open your mouth

M: Why?

E: Just do it.

M: aaaaaahhhhh

E: Okay. When you say "V" put your top teeth on your lower lip.

M: bbbbbb

E: No. No touching mouth together. Just top teeth on bottom lip.

M: ffffffff

E: Closer. Good. Okay. Now put your hand in front of your mouth.

M: FFFFFF

E: Okay. See how you can feel air coming out of your mouth?

M: Yeafff

E: Okay. For "V" you shouldn't feel any air. Here put your hand in front of my mouth. (at which point she covered my mouth and it took a while to show her what I wanted. Personally I think she was trying to smother me to death.

M: Oh. I see now. No air. Okay.. ffffff

E: No.... no air. vvvvv

M: fffbbbbbb

E: No, lips apart no air.

M: vvvvvv

E: Yeah!!! You got it! Now practice.

So now dad has moms motor boating while walking around the house. Instead of hearing "AAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" All day he's hearing: "BBBBBBBBBBBBBBFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFVVVVVVVVVVVVVV"

Motor boating mom! Oh yeah.

Also, just a disclaimer be careful when you're using the linguistic method for teaching engrish. I got bit 3 times by my mom, and you should know the person pretty well because they'll be sticking their hands in your mouth trying to figure out where you tongue is. Luckily I don't gag easily so I didn't puke on moms when she was trying to stuff both hands into my mouth to see where my tongue, teeth and lips were. LOL

The doctors Lie

Life has been a little hectic around the C household of late. On Monday my mom and I were heading to Kaiser to a doctor's appointment to see if she had a blood clot in her leg (she doesn't so everyone can calm down, many more mom stories are to come in the future). While we're heading to Kaiser her tire blows out, we're in the left (fast lane) on the freeway heading towards Oakland. My mom is at best a sub par driver, under stressful situations she becomes less than sub par. We threw on our hazards and then rolling at a scary 5 MPH we tried to get over.

PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES! No one would let us over so I had to stick my head out of the car and wave my hands like a maniac. Luckily I was far out enough of the window so that my mom couldn't hear me cussing out the people who wouldn't let us in (although she may have seen me flipping off people. Hopefully she doesn't know what the middle finger means?) Long story short, we got the car up and running and had to go home because we missed her appointment. We ended up rescheduling her appointment later that day.

SOOO... the whole point of the bloggity blog. We go to the doctor's office my mom gets measured. First of all my mom is hella HELLA SHORT!! If you've ever met my sister you know she's a midget...ummm... I mean petite. I like to call her my pocket asian (small enough to carry around in your pocket). Well if you've met my sister then you know she's about 5 inches ahem.. I mean 2 inches shorter than me (or so she claims) and hella skinnier than me (I'll be generous and say only 30 lbs lighter than me). So...yeah my mom she's hella shorter than my sister. Basically imagine an oompa loompa, take away the orange coloring, make it yellow (like an asian), put on lightly salt and peppered fro-ey hair and give that oompa loompa a Korean accent and you've just about got a description of my mom. what was I writing about? Oh yeah, so we're at the doctors and the nurse has to measure my mom's height.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE..... Nurse says she's 5 foot 1 and 3/4. MY ASS!! First of all my mom was trying to cheat from the get go she put her glasses on top of her head so that the beam would count the height of her glasses (add 2 inches), and secondly she was wearing her high rise 3 inch tall sneakers (trust me on this one, if they made stilleto sneakers with granny insoles than that's what my mom was wearing). My mom is thrilled to hear this news. She turns to me and says "see I tall." I pat her on her head (which I can obviously see the top of without any effort) and tell her "mom that's wrong." She says, "the nurse said so." I reply, "you were cheating and the nurse was being nice." The nurse was being nice, she knew my mom was cheating, my mom even did the whole trying to tiptoe while getting measured thing. Yeah... so now my mom thinks she hella tall.

I told my sister this and now she's all excited because if my mom is 5'1 and 3/4 then that makes my sister 5'3-5'5 in which case I've decided I'm 6 feet tall.

So in case ya'll are wondering I'm 6 feet, and my family is hella tall for their height.

ps I have insomnia so that's why the late night random blog. Mental diarrea onto a keyboard sometimes help me to turn off my brain.

pps The only thing people need to know is that when you think of mommy C think tall ass oompa loompa that lies. (oh and makes some bomb ass Korean bbq)

WW 3 begins?

My dad has been warring with racoons for years now. I think they called a truce sometime ago. I'll give you the lowdown on what happened in WWI with the racoons.

So pops installed a pond into the backyard with a water fall. He got it up and running with plants and then added fish into the pond. One day he goes out there and notices that out of 25 fish he put into the pond there's only 5 remaining. At first he blamed our dog but our dog professed innocence. The dog's alibi panned out because we found out 1) the dog hates water, and 2) he's mostly a vegetarian except for the occasional squirrel that he mauls and leaves for my dad. So after pops ruled out the dog he decided the only way to figure out the fish situation was to do a stake out.

We have a patio that overlooks the pond. My dad slept on the patio in a sleepingbag and basically stared at the pond most of the night. Around midnight he sees a family of racoons walk nonchalantly up to the pond and start fishing out all of his fish. My dad at this point was so tired that he just threw things at them and then went inside to ruminate on the problem.

The first thing he did was have a talk with the dog. (Poor guy gets all the slack) Jundoh (our dog) said that he shouldn't be blamed since he was only a puppy and the racoons were bigger than him. He also pointed out that there were 4 racoons and only one of him. My dad said that if Jundoh wanted to keep his room and board he better start scaring some racoons. Jundoh said yeah yeah and they agreed to disagree. So then my dad decided the key to keeping the fish alive was to put a net over the pond.

One weekend later and much grumbling and macgyvering later (duck tapes is god) I go to the backyard to see a net laid out taught over the pond. My dad goes back to the fishstore and restocks his pond. A couple of days later he goes to check up on the fish and finds only 1 out of 20 left. Now THIS pisses pops off. He does another stake out and sees the racoons basically thanking my dad for putting the net up. Instead of only being able to fish from out outter edges the racoons could not walk out onto the middle of the pond on top of the net and fish from there.

Okay. So the net didn't work. Obviously it's too close to the water. So what does Macgyver... I mean dad do? He builds an arch out of plumbing pvc pipes that goes over the pond. That'll serve them damn racoons. Round three to the fish store. At this point the fish store people have his 20 fish already bagged up and waiting for him. Dad takes the fish back to the house and plops them into the pond.

Instead of waiting to see what happens my dad decides to do another stake out. That night he sees the racoons come up to the pond and stare at the dome over the pond. Confused they wander around it and try to fish by putting their paws through the net. Realizing that they can't reach the fish they leave. SUCCESS!! Feeling amply satisified that his fish are safe pops goes to bed with a smile on his face.

A couple of days later he goes to check on the pond. Guess what? Only 2 fish left. My dad at this point is pretty much WTF Mate!? and pissed off. At this point the racoons have insulted not only him, but also his honor, and damnit eaten hella fish. The only way to deal with this situation is to stake out again. That night my dad realizes the genius of the racoons. He watches them come up to the dome and somehow crawl ontop of the dome. The racoons had figured out that if you piled enough of them on top of the netting the net would get low enough to touch the water and fish. Drat!!! Foiled again!

At this point the racoons have eaten all of the fish and my dad has decided that its time for chemical warfare. Since all of the fish are gone, and my dad doesn't really give a rats ass anymore about the pond he decides he's going to make the racoons suffer. He takes all the plants out and puts bleach into the water. That'll show them damn racoons!

Another night of stake outs. He watches as the racoons come up to the pond and look surprised since there is neither a net nor a dome. Their suspicion aroused they sniff the water. AFter smelling the bleach they look at each other. After a short conference they all decide to go into the pond and take a bath.

DAD 0
RACOONS 4

End Game End Match. Dad says fuck the pond I'd rather have a rock garden. The dog likes it he poops there. The racoons haven't been back since the pond went missing.

But I think the truce was just broken. My dad planted an apricot tree, an orange tree and some strawberries. Twould seem that "something" has been eating and nibbling on the produce. Moms just left the house and told dad about it. I think I smell a stake out coming on.

I'll keep you guys updated on possible WWII. Dad vs Raccons part II
At least now dad has our old dog and a new puppy to talk to during his stake outs and I can go to sleep.

Now its Yo' Dad's GPS

So for Father's Day my father received a GPS system for his car (compliments of my other siblings because I'm a broke, good for nothing student).

My mom is back from LA (yipee) she was gone for 2 months taking care of my niece. This morning my parents were programming in addresses into the nav system.

Mom: She lives in San Jose.
Dad: Okay how do you spell that?
Mom: S-A-N/M J-O-S-E/D
Dad: S A M J O S B
Mom: No, no E/D
Dad: That's what I said.
Mom: No that's what I said
Dad: No, I said that.
Mom: Gibbuh me dat I put in
Dad: Fine you put in
Mom: How do you work this?
Dad: Put in letters
Mom: Is it E D B ? How do you spell San Jose?
Dad: E!!!

ahh... the joys of engrish transrations.

Workings of Dog

Keep in mind I love my dad and I'm not mad at him. My mom's moved to L.A. for two months to help my brother out with the new neice so I'm stepping up to help my dad out. I wrote this blog because I thought it was funny. Hopefully you will find it equally amusing.

Setting: Last Night around 5 p.m.

I come into my house and notice that the livingroom has beds laid out in it. "Hey Dad is someone staying over tonight?" (Oh shit please say it's not the ministers!!)

Dad: "Uh...yeah. I told you that a couple of days ago."

(Uh...no you didn't. If you did I would have found somewhere else to stay tonight!) "Oh I guess I forgot. What time are they coming?" (Please say hella late and leaving early!!)

Dad: "Not until 9 or 10. We're suppose to make them breakfast in the morning. What do you think bagels?"

(Hmm...by 'we' are we talking the royal me?) "Bagels are good Dad."

Dad: "What do you put on bagels?"

"Cream cheese Dad."

Dad: "Where would you find cream cheese?"

"At the grocery store."

Dad: "I know that. But where in the grocery store? Next to butter?"

"Yeah, next to butter."

Dad: "Okay so I'll get bagels and cream cheese. You'll make that tomorrow morning right?"

(Ahh...so it is the royal me) "Sure dad. Do you want me to make fruit salad for them?" (At least I can do that tonight and just put it out.)

Dad: "No they don't need fruit salad. It's too much trouble."

"Okay Dad. Um.. what time do they need to eat by?" (please say late please say late)

Dad: "Not until 8."

"Okay. I'll set my alarm for 7:30."

THE NEXT MORNING

Dad: "Esther wake up! You need to make bagels."

(WTF? The suns not up? What time is it? [looks at cell phone] Are you fucking kidding? 6:15 a.m.!!!!) "Okay dad I'm getting up." (Shit...do I need to put clothes on? Hmm...okay compromise keep Mickey Mouse sweatshirt on and put on pants. No, can't find underwear. They wont notice. Oh shit my hair is out of control. [lick hand and mom my hair down])

"Okay so just bagels right Dad?"

Dad: "No we have to make fruit salad to."

(But but but you said last night...fuck! I can't even open my eyes you want me to cut stuff with sharp knife?) "Okay Dad fruit salad." (Esther open your eyes retard cutting with your eyes closed is a bad idea. grumble grumble, fuck shit can't cuss. grind teeth. grind teeth.)

"Here dad. Toasted bagels, fruit salad, orange juice. Do you need anything else?"

Dad: "No."

"Okay, I'm going back to sleep."

Ministers must have known I was unhappy they didn't say anything to me and didn't even look at me. I guess the Mickey Mouse sweatshirt was too sexy?

Around 11 a.m. later that day........

Dad: "I talked with your mom. She said that Croissants, eggs and ham is easy to make. We'll make that tomorrow morning."

(WHAT??!! THEY'RE STAYING ANOTHER NIGHT??? Another royal "we" that means me) "Okay dad. That sounds good."

Ugh.. I love my dad he's the bomb. I just wish he'd stop royal we-ing me about making an "easy breakfast" that my mom "suggests" for "us" (which means me) to make in the morning 6 a.m. FUCK. Rinse and repeat tomorrow. The ministers better be leaving tomorrow or I'm giving them food poisoning!! I think god will understand and heal them.