Living with a Hoarder

My mom is a horder. She hordes everything, my father is also a horder. While my parents are both packrats they pack different things. My father hordes things while my mother hordes food. Last night my father and I got to gang up on my mom.

My mom is constantly telling me that there is food or a certain type of drink in the fridge for me. Usually what happens is that I don't want whatever she's offering at that EXACT moment but then literally two days later I do want it. So last night I asked for juice.

Mom: Why you always want something after we don't have it?! You never want whatever we have in the refridgerator you always want what we don't have!

Me: Mom you told me we had juice two days ago! I thought we'd still have it?

Mom: Do you want pie?

Me: Pie? We have pie? (As I'm staring in the fridge) Where's the pie?

Mom: In the freezer. We have two pies. I've been saving them.

Me: Mom why do you always hide food from us?

Mom: I don't hide food. You just never eat it so I have to freeze it or it goes bad.

Dad: Yeah, why you hide food from us? We want pie!

Me: Yeah pie!!

Mom: It's flojen, no pie for you light now. Stop bothering me.

Dad: But we want pie!

Me: Fine, I don't want pie.

Mom: But I took the pie out already!

Me: But you said it's frozen so we can't have any?

Mom: See you never want what we have.

Me: But, but, but you said we couldn't have it.

Mom: Never mind. No pie for you.

Dad: Stop hiding food from us. We want pie!

Mom: E go to your room! Honey you go back to watching TV. No pie for either of you!

Both me and my dad on timeout. Damn!

Cult Life

rocrastinating NO FUN!!

I am now taking suggestions for a hobby. I've tried the following:

Underwater Basket Weaving: I tried underwater basket weaving but realized that smoking may not be condusive to helping you to hold your breath long enough to weave. I tried for a like a day and then gave up when I realized I had spent 10 hours only weaving two pieces of grass together

Urban Pinja: I dressed up in my Pinja outfit and went out trying to wench, pillage and kill people with my stuffed parrot but my wooden leg made it hard to chase down wenches and the pillaging gave me splinters, and my damn stuffed parrot was really old and dusty and gave me an alergy attack. Oh yeah, and the police didn't really like me running around Albany hobbling around on a wooden leg so they made me go home and change.

Cult Leader: I thought maybe being a cult leader would be a great hobby. If you get really good at it then your cult leadership can eventually lead to a good paying job just look at the Pope, Reverend Moon, and the Dalai Lama. The only problem was that you have to be charismatic or something and I guess my version of charisma (ie beating people) doesn't really work when trying to form a cult. And then there was the whole thing where you need to have something to preach about and you have to like people. I thought maybe preaching about how stupid people are would be good, but then everyone in my cult thought I was calling them stupid and left. Oh..yeah and I kept trying to make them drink koolaid and tried to kill them and that just makes you cult to small and high maintenance because you have to keep replacing all the dead members.

Art: I thought maybe of trying to become artistic but then realized that's actually TOTALLY different than autistic so my drawings kind of sucked. Oh yeah and then the bus driver on AC transit got pissed and kicked me off the bus when i tried to get the handicap discount for being autistic and then showed him my sucky ass drawing of an apple.

Music: I tried singing but my damn dog kept howling and my mom and dad kept telling me to stop because they had some weird headache that formed everytime I started singing weird coincidence. I then tried to learn how to play the drums but realized after I kept flinging my drum sticks that drums are dangerous especially after I hit my mom in the head with one. She banned me and sent me to bed without soup or rice. I thought maybe the piano but then realized that you have to actually have a piano and playing the laptop isn't really the same thing.

Yeah. So I'm kind of out of ideas. So if anyone has any ideas I'm open to suggestions. Just some prerequisites though:

1) The Albany cops have put a restraining order against me dressing in "strange" costumes (whatever that means) oh and going out in public unescorted in general in public. Maybe they said I can't leave my house. That would explain this damn ankle bracelet. I kept telling them that I didn't really wear accessories but they insisted on it. Dude it's really kind of a fashion no no but I guess if the cops say it's fashionable who am I to question right?

2) Nothing exercise related, or physically exerting (exerting means anything that involves more energy than say lifting a spoon [an empty spoon]), I'm kind of a delicate flower and that just doesn't fit my steez. Yeah I have a steez, what? I don't know what it is but exercise doesn't fit it whatever it is.

3) It can't involve people or people related things. Again with the cops. They said something about public endangerment and high risk factor to public safety or something. I don't know. Anywho they said that I can't really be directly involved with the public in any capacity until I go see some shrink person about some anti-social homicidal condition I have. Whatev. They said I might get pills or something and that I wouldn't need a hobby then because I'd be happy all the time no matter what. Weird, i wonder what kind of pills those are?

Yeah, so other than that I'm totally open to suggestions. Go at it gang!

Spam Life

Ahhh... the joys of a spam filter. I always wonder how people get your email address and then figure out what type of person you are.

This is my life according to my junk mail:

I am a very lonely male that has a very small penis, I also have premature ejaculation problems. However, I can fix this all with a slew of pills. But that is not all that I need. In order for me to get a girl I also need a rolex, or a fauxlex because chicks dig dudes with permanently hard penises and nice watches. How you ask am I going to fund all of this? Simple, I'm going to give my bank account number to a secret administrator of a country in South Africa who found my name through a friend and in exchange they will give me millions for hiding their money. Otherwise, if I don't want to do that I can make a ton of money stuffing envelopes.

I think all I need now is a sex change so I can have a penis, and then I'll start stufifng envelopes and helping to embezzle money from South Africa, and buy my fauxlex, and then I need to find that final missing piece to happiness. What is that you ask? Well obviously I need to get on that spam list for the hot girls named Candy and Misty that want to be my friends. Then, and only then will my life be complete.

I think I lead a much more interesting spam life than real life. Oh well. I guess the cybergrass is always a better simulation than real life?

Wub two wub

This ones for my wifey. Who says I'm not a romantic?

That feeling of butterflies in your stomach, the feeling of a roller coaster drop. The feeling that makes you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest. You know that feeling right? When you meet that special someone and you feel sweaty palmed and your words get mixed up in your head and come out wrong when it reached your mouth.

Ahh..yesh..wuv...twu wuv...twitterpation, crushes... I have the explanation for it all.

Gas!! People, people let's get realistic and break this down. What is this feeling we call wuv?

That feeling of butterflies in your stomach, the feeling of a roller coaster drop.
Yeah, this is also a sign of gas. When you eat something and it makes your innards all funky. I fully recommend farting and then seeing if you still have this feeling.

The feeling that makes you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest. You know that feeling right?
This may be early signs of a heart condition, heart attack or stroke. I fully recommend going to see a doctor about this. Usually when I feel this way it means that I've drank to many rockstars and my heart is telling me that the irregular heart beat hates me.

When you meet that special someone and you feel sweaty palmed and your words get mixed up in your head and come out wrong when it reached your mouth.
This is also usually a sign of food poisoning. The sweaty palms and confusion is a definite sign of food poisoning. It is usually followed by a mad dash to the restroom while you keep chanting to yourself "please say I wont poop in my pants, please god, please." Just remember if you have this feeling of sweaty palms and disorientation don't go back to that restaurant you just ate at, they probably gave you food poisoning.

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!

I've had the most frustrating day and am now venting via blogging. I think this is slightly more therapeutic than smashing the shit out of some poor inanimate object that has done nothing to deserve said smashing.

Damn undergraduate advisor!! You can't declare until you finish the prerequisite classes you are taking now. I know you can't sign up for classes next semester because you aren't a declared major but really its not my fault that you're not me. Fucking authoritative ass munch!!

I'm was so mad I couldn't see straight. It might have been because I was glaring at him so hard, but then again WTF? And that brought up the thought what the hell does it mean when people say they were so mad that they could spit. What the hell does getting angry and spitting have to do with it. Unless you mean spit on the person or thing that is pissing you off. I mean being so angry that you can't see straight makes sense to me because usually that means one of two things 1) I'm so drunk that I couldn't see straight anyways, or 2) I'm glaring so hard that I can't see straight because my eyes are so scrunched from glaring.

And also what the hell is it with all these stupid sayings that don't make any sense? Like I'm going to kick ass and take names. What the hell if you kick someone's ass you should at least know their name. And why does it not make sense when I say I'm going to kick your ass and take notes. I mean notes makes more sense in the long run right? Like after you come to from your ass kicking then I can tell how i kicked your ass. That makes more sense than taking your stupid name down.

And one in the hand is better than two in some basket or some shit? you know that saying or maybe you don't. IRRELEVANT! important point is that most of these sayings make no damn sense!

Another thing that pisses me off is pretty people. i've decided that pretty people should get punched in the face. In fact I think everyone should just get punched in the face. Also, bruises and anemia. Anemia really sucks. Right now my legs are so bruised up that I look like I've been getting the shit kicked out of me by a midget. Fucking midgets. Hate them to. They think they're all better than everyone else because they can buy little kids clothes and can dress up as oompa loompas for halloween. Damn midgets.

And finally sunshine. I've decided that the sun needs to kiss my ass. Especially after it's sunburnt. I want my damn rain and fog and mist. This sun shiney birds chirping bullshit needs to stop. People are to damn happy and smiley because of this sunshine shit. I demand no more sunshine.

That ends my list of things I hate today.

Hugs and kisses to all of my friends. Now that I've finished pounding on my keyboard I feel all zen and cathartic. Now I'm going to go find a puppy, baby chicken, kitten or baby to kick.

FINAL NOTE: I really REALLY REALLY hate the word cute and everything that is associated with cute. Damn fucking cute things and their cuteness, being cute and cute like. Unfuck cute, may it never get cute-ed? What the hell did I just type? Who cares. Just understand it damnit

Asian Mom Love

Today is quite possibly one of the most perfect days in the world.

This morning when I was walking to school the skies opened up and it started raining cats and dogs. I had an umbrella but walking in the rain having it pour over my head and soak me felt so incredibly cleansing. AND one of my favorite songs in the world "Bizarre Love Triangle" was playing on the radio.

I went to my first discussion section and actually understood the material (thank god for once). I got my weekly paper back. This is the most traumatizing day of the week for me usually. This has become a routine where at the end of my discussion section I get this nauseous feeling in the bottom of my stomach and don't want to look at the grade on my paper because what I think I'm going to get is never what I actually get. I looked at my grade. "A-" FUCK YEAH!! I finally broke the damn B+ plane!!!!!!!

I sent out a mass text to everyone. Yes, I'm an insecure little twat and need reaffirmation and a pat on the head and back. I called my mom to tell her I finally got an "A" on a paper.

This is the best part, my momz.

Me: "Hey Mom."

Mom: "Why are you calling? Are you okay, are you in trouble? Shouldn't you be in school?"

Me: "It's E. I'm at school. I'm not in trouble. You know those weekly papers I write for class?"

Mom: "Yes."

Me: "I FINALLY GOT AN A!!!"

Mom: "Good. I knew you could. You know if you don't get an 'A' it's because of your thinking. Me and your dad pray for you all the time. God wants you get an 'A' and become a 21st century misisonary. The least you can do is get an 'A.'"

Me: "Yeah mom. I know. I just wanted to call you to tell you about my grade."

Mom: "See now you got one 'A' so now you get all A's"

Me: "Um... I don't think so. But I just wanted to call and tell you."

Mom: "See, again denying god's will."

I love Asian mom love. It's never, great, good job, it's like, well obviously you did this so you should do this again and it's your fault you didn't do it in the first place. I know she's being supportive it's just funny. If I wasn't thick skinned I'd be crying. My mom is wonderful. I know she's being supportive in the only way she knows how. Asian mom love is the toughest love you'll get.

My mom makes me laugh. Today has been an awesome day. I hope it rains some more.

How to Avoid Becoming a Crack Whore

I find myself in an interesting situation this morning. Wife is taking her Jazzercise test and audition today in Newark. I figured, "Hey I have to study. They must have a Starbucks and internet somehwere in Newark right? I'll just go with her to support her." So I find myself sitting at a Starbucks feeling like a kindergardner abandoned by their mother on the first day of school. I can't sit at the place where she's auditioning so she dropped me off at a Starbucks and went to her audtion.

The things we do for our friends. Last night she was freaking out (understandably so) about her task today. She asked me, "Why am I doing this again?"

Of course the first thing out of my mouth is, "To keep me from becoming a crack whore." Wife just kind of looked at me and then started laughing. Why? Because she already knew where I was going with my train of thought (this is the joy of having a wife who knows you that well.) Now my question to you is...would you know why I would answer the way I did?

Here is my train of logic: "So, the reason why you're becoming a Jazzercise instructor is because I'm in school. Since I'm so busy you need to do something also. AND since I'm a student I'm broke, so you need to supplement 'our' income. If you didn't do this then you'd be bored and have to much free time. If you had free time then you'd be calling me to go out. If you called then I'd want to go out. If I went out then I'd not study. If I didn't study then I'd fail out of CAL. If I fail out of CAL then I'd get kicked out of my parents house and have no degree and no place to live. If I didn't have that then I'd get depressed and not find a job. If I didn't have a job and no place to live and was depressed then I'd have to start smoking crack. If I started smoking crack I'd run out of money and wouldn't be able to keep a real job so I'd have to become a whore. So in the long run I'd become a crack whore. So really, you're becoming a Jazzercise instructor so I don't become a crack whore."

By this time Wife was almost tearing up from laughing. Not only did she know the train of logic she agreed, obviously, yes, she was becoming a Jazzercise instructor to keep me from becoming a crack whore.

One of her trainers told her that she needed to figure out something to think about while audtioning that would make her smile. What is she going to be thinking about when she gets nervous? "I can't fail. Otherwise E will become a crack whore. And she doesn't want to do that because she wouldn't be a very good one. So really she'd just be a whore because she wouldn't be making enough money to buy crack. And I don't want her to be a bad whore." I mean let's be honest, nothing worse in the world than a bad whore right. I mean seriously, what's more pathetic than a person that can't even make it as a crack whore.

So some people asked me why in the world would I sit in Newark at a Starbucks for four hours just to support my friend. My answer is because she's becoming a Jazzercise instructor so I don't become a crack whore, this is the least I can do right?

So Cute I just Vomitted

So incredibly cute!!!

Yesterday I was walking into the house. My mom and dad didn't know I was home yet.

My mom was singing to herself while washing dishes. She sings all the time. Some of my earliest memories are of my mom singing. The sound of her voice I now find is a better form of valium than anything else in the natural or unnatural world. Her singing soothes my soul in so many ways that it breaks and heals things that I don't even know need healing. However, this is not the point of my blog.

So...I see my mom singing and washing dishes in the kitchen. My dad has just come down from their room and is walking by her going towards the television room. While he's walking by her he pats her on the butt.

This is cute for so many reasons. Let me list the ways:

1. My parents are not demonstrative with their affection. (but now I see they are in private)
2. My dad is EX-pecially not demonstrative.
3. They were an arranged marriage but now they truly do love each other.
4. They're just freaking cute. (yes this is a reason)

yeah, so i just thought that was really cute and had to share this horribly cute moment with others or I'd have to vomit on myself from how sweet it was.

The moral of this story: go pat someone on the butt.

Internetz with Moms - MP3

The internet lessons continue. My mom is now learning how to download her "messages" (ie mp3s) from the internets (as she calls the internet). Unfortunately the wireless router which I have bought for our house seems to suck ass and keeps going in and out, this causes problems on many fronts. Last night's mp3 lessons with mom.

"Es-uh-duh! I think I have a beye-lus."

"Mom, why do you think you have a virus?"

"The computer told me so."

"Okay. Let me check." She did not have a virus. What she had was windows telling her she had no virus software running. My mom is terrified of viruses right now and believes that your computer can "catch" viruses from the internets. "Mom. You don't have a virus. Don't worry."

"Okay. Can you show me how to download my messages?"

"Sure mom, no problem." I then started showing her and downloading her mp3s. Everything was great until the internet went out.

"Es-uh-duh!! The internets is broken. It no let me finish getting messages."

"Sorry mom the wireless antenae keeps dying. I'll fix it."

"Do you think maybe it's to late? Is the internets off or closed?"

"Uh. No mom. The internet doesn't really turn off or close. I'll fix it don't worry." I love my mom. You take for granted certain knowledge. I mean seriously, I'm so use to the idea and concept of the internet that I don't think of things like "would the internet close, does the internet have a bed time."

yup yup. Gotta love moms. I may be teaching her about the internets but she's teaching me about checking my perceptions of reality.

Compliments shmompliments

Alright I will be the first to admit that I suck at receiving compliments. In fact, people that know me well know that usually the best and quickest method for raising my suspicion of you is to compliment me. I think it's part of the fat kid syndrome.

What is the fat kid syndrome you ask? Well that is when you grow up being fat and then suddenly end up losing weight. Suddenly you are being complimented on your physical appearance and that just ticks you off. For me this is a twofold problem that would take to long to go into and seriously I just need a therapist to get over my issues. In fact, I think I need a therapist in order to say I have issues because only therapists are qualified (along with psychiatrist and psychologists) to say you have issues. Otherwise you just have problems and are mental. Sooo... let's just forget about my mental problems for now and focus on compliments.

Yeah, I suck at receiving compliments, usually I believe that people have alterior motives for giving compliments so when a person compliments me I instantly raise my hackles. Why you ask? Well it's simple. People give me really fucked up compliments.

My top three favorites:

1. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Sandra Oh?
First off, my usual automatic thought is to say "Oh, is that because we all look alike?" I almost never say this. Then my second thought is, funny when Lucy Liu was popular everyone said I look like her. I guess I should be happy that people don't say I look like Jackie Chan or Jet Li, although it would be totally awesome if someone said I kicked ass like them. Now THAT would be a compliment.

2. Did you know I use to have a crush on, now look at you.
Or some variation of the above. Dude, that is so not a compliment. I've heard this from several different people and I don't even know what to think. So first off, is it like you need to tell me that for a reason? Was it to say a) you use to look good, or b) I've outgrown you, or c) WTF mate? Yeah. I'm not sure what this is suppose to mean.

3. Have you lost weight? OR It looks like you've lost weight.
Now some girls love this compliment. Me, personally, I loathe this one. I know I'm not a big girl, I know I'm not fat. So why the fuck do you feel the need to tell me I've lost weight? Have I been bitching at you about how I'm on a diete? Have I been bitching at you about how I don't fit into my pants? If the answer is no to any of these questions then please don't tell me this. Seriously, if I want a compliment I'll solicit it. I have no shame in that manner.

Seriously, okay, so maybe these aren't compliments that are bad, and most likely it's my own little self conscious gnome going all ghetto with my ego. I think people don't know how to compliment anymore. I'd rather be complimented on my intelligence or serious ass kicking ability than my looks any day. But then again it's probably my fat kid syndrome talking.

MUHAHAHA (man evil cackle loses something in translation onto the webernation.)

People Skillz

I had a very interesting/kind of funny conversation today with a classmate.

Classmate: Hey has anyone ever told you that you're kind of scary?

Me: No. Why do you say that?

Classmate: It's just that I've talked with people and some say that you're kind of scary.

Me: Why? Are you scared of me?

Classmate: Me? No. I'm just saying sometimes you are.

Me: Why? Do I say scary things or do scary things? Am I physically intimidating?

Classmate: No. I mean you're all small and stuff because you're Asian. And you don't really talk that much unless someone comes and talks to you. It's just sometimes you have this look in your eyes.

Me: What look?

Classmate: Just this look. If someone says something stupid you give them this look like you're going to either eat them or punch them or something. It's kind of scary.

Me: What? I'm not scary. You're not scared of me right?

Classmate: No. Not me, just some people. You know. Sometimes you just give this look.

Me: Well then don't say anything stupid and I wont give you that look.

Classmate: To late you're already giving me that look. Don't punch me!

Me: (smack) too late, you did say something stupid.

Classmate: See..you are scary.

Me: No. I'm not scary I'm just abusive.

Classmate: Oh right. Okay, you're not scary. Hey Esther has anyone ever told you that you're abusive?

Me: No. I don't leave marks so you can't press charges and I'm small since I'm Asian so no one would believe you.

Classmate: Never mind. Remind me to walk arm's distance from you and not to say anything stupid anymore.

Me: Okay.

Classmate: cool.

Me: See...not scary or abusive.

Classmate: I'm just going to stop talking now.

Me: Cool.

Everyone should have one

Wife said the funniest thing this weekend. "I wish I had a J."

Now for you unfortunate enough to not have a J I'll explain. J is my big sister. She's pretty much the best sister you can have. Everyone really should have one. I don't know how people survive without one.

These are the reasons why Julies are great:

1. When you're napping they get mad and stuff your dirty socks in your mouth.
2. They tell you to do their laundry. But in exchange they clean your room.
3. They buy you drinks, makeup, and bring you clothes.
4. They put said makeup on you and make you look all perty.
5. They tell you what to wear so you look like a girl.
6. They pat you on the head when you're bummed and smack you when you're really sad and tell you to get over it.
7. They let you call them anytime to bitch and then tell you that you have nothing to bitch about and to get over it.
8. They are willing to fly at a moments notice up from LA if you need them.
9. They don't ever have to like you but they always love you because they know blood is stronger than anything else in the world.
10. They are always on your side even when they know you're not right, but they'll never not be on your side in public. They'll just wait until you're in private before they kick your butt.

There are so many reasons why J's are great. Everyone should have one. You can't have mine but you really should go get one.

The only bad thing is that they come and do all these things and then have to go back to their own lives. poop.

I have the bestest sister even if she's not really funny and likes to stuff dirty socks in my mouth.

Life's Disappointments

I have a secret guilty pleasure and addiction. I think it's okay though because it's genetically ingrained in me. I'm addicted to Hello Kitty paraphenalia.

Yes, my name is E and I'm a Hello Kitty addict.

I bought myself a new eraser in celebration of me getting through 2 weeks at CAL. I even paid the extra $1 for the stupid Hello Kitty logo. I get home all ready to use my new eraser when I open the package DISSAPOINTMENT!!

1) No Hello Kitty icon anywhere on the eraser. What is this bullshit I pay for icon and name recognition!! Not for some plain damn eraser. AND more importantly!!!!

2) NO HELLO KITTY SMELL!!!! For those not in the know most Hello Kitty swag usually has a very distinct fruity smell. No FREAKING SMELL on my damn eraser. Feel so jipped!! Dang nabbin!

How am I suppose to have intellectual moments of genius without the proper equipment. *sigh* So, now I'm just using my stupid overpriced non smelling no icon having stupid eraser.

Sometimes life gives you erasers and all you can do with it is erase shit. Damnit, that sucks!

How to Make New Friends

I have a paper due tomorrow. BEFORE ANYONE GIVES ME SHIT FOR WRITING THIS BLOG I have finished writing it I'm waiting on a classmate to review it and give me feedback so just lump it.

Now back to my blog. I have met a really cool new guy named J. Just a friend, he's got a girlfriend and a baby and seriously, I have no patience for anything like that. So that being said. I realized that while walking to Shattuck from campus that J and I are now truly friends. Why, you ask, and how you ask.

Simple. We've started talking about our bowel movements. I told Joaquin that it freaks people out how much Wife, Hy and I know about each others poop schedule. So today J finally told me that the pizza we had eaten for lunch was fucking up his intestines and he wasn't sure if he needed to poop or fart. I started laughing. J has now joined the cult of poop without even knowing it.

Yeah anyone you can talk about bowel movements with is a friend of mine. Now back to my paper.

The Smaller the Asian the more..uhh?

Mom: I think all of my children are very good looking.

Me: Really, I think D looks funny.

Mom: He doesn't look funny he's just short.

Me: Mom, we're all short.

Mom: It's a well known fact that short people are smarter, the shorter the smarter.

Me: So you must be the most smart since you're the shortest out of all of us.

Mom: Of course. I'm your mom. I know everything.

Me: That is true.

I'm tall and smart for my height!

How to Make a Guy Love you

How to make a BOY love you;

1. When he asks if he has a large penis just point and laugh. It shows that you notice things AND have a sense of humour. You also don't want him thinking that you're too obsessed with size.

2. If he asks for a blow job smile, nod then bite. Guys love surprises. And since they are "men" they can't complain because men don't feel pain. Pain only puts more hair on their chest.

3. Once a week tell your boy about your feelings and ask him about his. Guys are totally into talking about their feelings. Isn't that how metro guys came into being? And isn't that why Justin Timberlake always writes songs about his feelings?

4. Call him in the middle of the night to ask if he's sleeping.
If he is, ask "With who." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until
Morning. This will show him you care, and that you want to be part of his life AT ALL TIMES.

5. When he is upset about something, suggest to him that it must be
his fault, after all he is a guy and everything wrong in this world is because of guys. Then explain that if women ruled the world it would just be a better place to be. This shows that you know, that he really does want to be a feminist, and that you are giving him the opportunity and safe environment to share his feelings on how much more totally awesome girls are than boys.

6. Recognize the small things . . . like his penis. Make sure everytime he pulls it out of talks about sex you laugh hysterically and start saying comments like tiny tim.

7. If you're talking to another guy, make sure he's looking.
When he is, stare into his eyes mouth the words "He f*cks better than you." Guys love competition and where they stand compared to other guys.

8. When he says you're smothering and suffocating him say you understand. Next time you sleep with him wait until he's sleeping and then cover his face with a pillow. This shows that you understand his kinky side and you're down to help him if he's into asphixiation.

9. Introduce him to your friends as "The guy with the thing" then giggle.
Guys have egos and love knowing that you are talking about them to your friends.

10. Play with his penis. Play with it HARD.

11. When he talks about having a guys night out suggest that they go to a strip club or a poker night. If he says yes to either one of those things start screaming and call him a sick bastard and a gamblig addict. Guys love spontaneous girls, they also hate monogamy so the more schizoid you can be the more your guy will feel like he's a baller. Why date 10 different girls when you can have 10 personalities in one body?

12. Ask him if any of the following questions: Do I look fat in these _____? Do you think I'm pretty? Do you love me? Guys love it when you ask their opinion. It shows that you care about their opinion and that you appreciate their opinion.

13. Make him happy. A good way to do this is if he has a big screen television set or any expensive electronic equipment take you beer and pour it onto the equipment so it breaks. This is great for two reasons 1) guys love girls that drink beer and 2) guys love buying new electronics. This will always make him happy.

14. Let him fall asleep after sex. When he's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes then ask him about what he thinks about your relationship. Guys love it when you wait until the "right" moment to talk to them. And after sex all guys are relaxed.

15. Spit often. I hear guys like girls that spit. And don't forget our favorite burp and then blow it in his face. It's like phermones baby.

16. If you care about him never ever tell him, in fact talk about other guys. Guys don't like girls that are too clingy. Again, guys love competition.

17. Every time you're in his house leave something of yours. Guys love it that you always have 1 more reason to come by unannounced, it shows you care and that you don't expect him to plan everything.

18. Look him in the eyes and smile...then clock him one. Guys love a
spontaneous girl. Make sure you punch him really hard. Guys love spunky, feisty girls.

19. Find his nudie mags and paste your face over all of the girls faces. This will show you understand his need to "do guy things and private time." But it'll also show that you care about him.

20. When you go out to a bar or club keep asking him whether he's looking at a girl, or if he's slept with a girl. Keep asking him this about all of the girls. Guys love it when their girl thinks of them as virile.

21. Titty twisters (or as i call them "Purple Nurples")...and plenty ofthem.

22. If you're reading a book and he asks about what you're reading. Smile and pinch his cheeks and say "come on you know you wouldn't understand this." Guys love it when girls are assertive.

24. Two words...Dutch Oven.

25. Remember his birthday but don't get him anything.
Teach him material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that he keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest
present he can ever get.

26. If he calls and says he wants to see you or misses you say "that's nice," then hang up. And don't answer any calls from him. You don't want him thinking you're clingy.

27. When he gives you a present on your birthday,
Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell him you love it. Then, next
time you know he's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can
open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Guys love a girl thats not materialistic.

28. IF ALL ELSE FAILS JUST LIE and tell him he has a huge penis and that he's the best sex you've ever had. (Guys are really just scared boys that need reassurance). They'll know you're lying but never call you on it.

Some of you might notice that most of these are about sex. Come on.... the way to a guys heart is through his...ahem appendages.

How Not to Apply to a Jorb

Today has been the funniest day at work. We recently posted an ad on Craig's List for a part-time file clerk. We asked for the following:

1) Detail Oriented
2) Professional
3) Only part-time, only 8-10 hours per week, you must comitt for 2 years.

We told the people:

1) Send via email cut and pasted in the body of the email.
2) Send a salary requirement

What we got... Freaking Hilarious!!!!

- Responses from 120 people
- Some of the responses were from email addresses such as:
Hispanicprincess@
Yellowhairedwarrior@
Bigfun@
Cumon@
bigLoad@
xchubbycheekz@
Yeah, these resumes got tossed just because they are retarded

Then we got responses from:
- Martinez
- Livermore
- North Carolina?

Oh, oh, and my favorite. We said "You Must Be Detail Oriented" so then we get people who do not capitalize "I", and responses like, "I be responding to you ad", and other atrocious grammar oriented people. Or people responding to the "file clerk" position then starting off with..."Here is my resume in response to the Vice-President position of Marketing Ad you placed on Craig's List." WTF No wonder these people are unemployed. Oh god. I think I almost pissed my pants reading some of the resumes. Sometimes, like today, I actually enjoy my job. Oh the power of the denial letter!! muhahaha!!!

Dietary Notes From Momma C

My mom's favorite game is hide the fish in the food. That may sound like a dirty thing but it's not. She knows I refuse to eat fish unless it's deep fried and battered. For years now she's been complaining that

1. She should have starved me more so I'd eat fish.
2. How can I be Korean and not eat fish.
3. She must have failed as a mother because I don't eat fish.

I guess I am a failure as an Asian if I don't eat fish.

Sooo.... that being said. Her favorite game is to make food, normally *drum roll please* Yes, you guessed it our best friend SOUP AND RICE. (Please read previous blog if you're confused). So, her favorite thing to do is to hide fish in soups and then see if I notice.

Our conversation yesterday.

- Essuduh you want soup?

- Is there fish in it?

- No. You no eat fish. I know that. Why are you asking?

- Uh, mom, why is there a fish head floating in the soup?

- Oh, I take out, then no fish see.

- But mom, there's still fish eyes floating in the soup, and it tastes like fish.

- AHHHH... Just eat soup!

- It's okay mom, I'll just eat cup o'noodles.

- Always cup o'noodle. One day you turn into cup o'noodle. I should call them and tell them all you eat all day is cup o'noodle, maybe they sponsor you.

- Mom, how is that different than soup and rice every day?

- It's different soup. GO TO YOUR ROOM. I make you noodle.

Then she grumbles. I think I heard her tossing 3 pots around in the kitchen. When I poked my head out to check up on her she was just throwing pots and making noise to piss off me and my dad. I guess we're on time out right now.

ooooo...oooo...oooo I have a fun game. Guess this fruit!!

Mom: "Essuduh, you want grapplefruit juice?"

- What is grapplefruit?

Mom: Grapplefruit!!

- Is it grape juice?

Mom: No, grapplefruit.

- Is it grape and apple?

Mom: No. You not listening? Grapplefruit!!! (She then makes a hand motion of a circular object about the size of a softball).

GUESS THE FRUIT!

Not yo' mamma's mapquest

Yesterday I'm laying on my bed and my mom comes into my room.....

- E, can you find how to get here?

- Sure mom, no problem. Do you want a map?

- Yes. Find, if closer to San Ramon from Oakland or San Jose.

- Okay mom. Going to, or coming from where?

- Here.

- Here, our house?

- No, here address, here.

- Okay mom, I'll look at it. So where are you starting from and then going to.

- Starting from here, then going there, or San Ramon or San Jose.

- Huh? Starting from our house then going to San Jose/San Ramon?

- No starting here not our house.

- So starting from that address you have in your hand?

- No, starting from San Ramon/San Jose to here.

- Wait, here home, or here there, that address?

- Just give me maps! Tell internet find directions and maps.

- Okay, mom. I'll give you maps. I'll tell internet find directions and maps.

I handed here 5 different maps. I'm still not sure where here, there, starting, stopping, or what the hell it was she was asking me for. Mom seems to think that you just ask the internet anything and it will tell you all you want to know. *sigh* So if any of you find my mother wandering around San Ramon, San Jose, here or there please call me on my cell phone and I'll go find her.

Filial Piety in Liquid Form

I love my parents. Seriously you all know that. But sometimes I wonder if my parents are smoking crack. Well, not really my dad, but my mom makes me wonder sometimes.

Breakfast conversation:

"Oh good you're home. Do you want breakfast?"

"No, I have to go to work. I'll just have some coffee."

"You need to eat, you never eat. EAT!"

"Okay, I'll eat. What are we eating?"

"Soup and rice."

"Uh...mom we ate soup and rice yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. Can we have somethings that's not soup and rice?"

"Okay. Here's soup. You don't get rice."

"Okay, that's different thanks mom. Can I have some coffee?"

"No. Only soup. See different!"

Yeah, if you need to lose weight come stay with my parents. I've lost 5 lbs on the soup and rice diet AND my burps now smell like kimchi, garlic, and ewwww, maybe some yuck mixed in.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FEED ME NOT SOUP AND RICE???

I'm so spoiled but it's okay, because my parents torture me in exchange for pampering me.

Trying to fulfill the stereotype

It's happening. It's really going to happen finally. Everyone beware, run and hide. Do not leave your house, walk in the middle of the streets!!

I'M GETTING MY PERMIT AGAIN! LOL!!! This is number 10-14, I don't remember anymore. However, there is a new twist to this story.

I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO BE DRIVING AROUND A CAR AND PRACTICING. MUHAHAHAHA!!!

If you value your life you will not leave your house. No, but seriously, Wife has decided (for totally altruistic reasons I'm sure) that if I'm going to be on a sober kick and going to bars and drinking pineapple juice all night then I should damn well get my license and practice driving.

I can see it now.... pulled over by the cops.

"Mam, can I see your license and registration?"
"Uh... Officer I have my permit and registration."
"Mam, you can't be driving with only a permit this late at night."
"Excuse me officer *Hiccup* but can I get your number?" <-- says drunken Wife.

"Officer, as you can see it was really for the best that I drove."
"Yes, I do see that mam. Go straight home. And no mam, you cannot have my number."

hardy har har honk honk.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

My Pa Is Cute

This morning:

Me: Hey Dad what are we doing for mom's bday?
Dad: I don't know. Maybe go buy some food and cook it for her.
Me: Oh. So how old is mom turning this year?
Dad: 19. Oh wait. I think she wants to drink wine, so she's turning 21.
Me: Cool, so 21 this year?
Dad: Yeah 21.