Not yo' mamma's mapquest

Yesterday I'm laying on my bed and my mom comes into my room.....

- E, can you find how to get here?

- Sure mom, no problem. Do you want a map?

- Yes. Find, if closer to San Ramon from Oakland or San Jose.

- Okay mom. Going to, or coming from where?

- Here.

- Here, our house?

- No, here address, here.

- Okay mom, I'll look at it. So where are you starting from and then going to.

- Starting from here, then going there, or San Ramon or San Jose.

- Huh? Starting from our house then going to San Jose/San Ramon?

- No starting here not our house.

- So starting from that address you have in your hand?

- No, starting from San Ramon/San Jose to here.

- Wait, here home, or here there, that address?

- Just give me maps! Tell internet find directions and maps.

- Okay, mom. I'll give you maps. I'll tell internet find directions and maps.

I handed here 5 different maps. I'm still not sure where here, there, starting, stopping, or what the hell it was she was asking me for. Mom seems to think that you just ask the internet anything and it will tell you all you want to know. *sigh* So if any of you find my mother wandering around San Ramon, San Jose, here or there please call me on my cell phone and I'll go find her.

Filial Piety in Liquid Form

I love my parents. Seriously you all know that. But sometimes I wonder if my parents are smoking crack. Well, not really my dad, but my mom makes me wonder sometimes.

Breakfast conversation:

"Oh good you're home. Do you want breakfast?"

"No, I have to go to work. I'll just have some coffee."

"You need to eat, you never eat. EAT!"

"Okay, I'll eat. What are we eating?"

"Soup and rice."

"Uh...mom we ate soup and rice yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. Can we have somethings that's not soup and rice?"

"Okay. Here's soup. You don't get rice."

"Okay, that's different thanks mom. Can I have some coffee?"

"No. Only soup. See different!"

Yeah, if you need to lose weight come stay with my parents. I've lost 5 lbs on the soup and rice diet AND my burps now smell like kimchi, garlic, and ewwww, maybe some yuck mixed in.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FEED ME NOT SOUP AND RICE???

I'm so spoiled but it's okay, because my parents torture me in exchange for pampering me.

Trying to fulfill the stereotype

It's happening. It's really going to happen finally. Everyone beware, run and hide. Do not leave your house, walk in the middle of the streets!!

I'M GETTING MY PERMIT AGAIN! LOL!!! This is number 10-14, I don't remember anymore. However, there is a new twist to this story.

I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO BE DRIVING AROUND A CAR AND PRACTICING. MUHAHAHAHA!!!

If you value your life you will not leave your house. No, but seriously, Wife has decided (for totally altruistic reasons I'm sure) that if I'm going to be on a sober kick and going to bars and drinking pineapple juice all night then I should damn well get my license and practice driving.

I can see it now.... pulled over by the cops.

"Mam, can I see your license and registration?"
"Uh... Officer I have my permit and registration."
"Mam, you can't be driving with only a permit this late at night."
"Excuse me officer *Hiccup* but can I get your number?" <-- says drunken Wife.

"Officer, as you can see it was really for the best that I drove."
"Yes, I do see that mam. Go straight home. And no mam, you cannot have my number."

hardy har har honk honk.

Don't say I didn't warn you.